Feel The Bern!

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Chris Veritas

Veritas News reports live from Raleigh, NC, where Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is addressing his adoring base.

B.S., "Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders, and I am outraged. Can you tell I'm outraged, because I clearly am? Those crooks, the bankers, and the Washington politicians, make me so angry! I can't stand the establishment. They want you to believe I can't pay for my proposals. You want to know how I'm going to pay for them?! You want to know? Let me tell you a story about a young black man killed by police. I guarantee 50,000 dollars to anyone who wants to go to college. We're going to hold the establishment responsible! Diversity, diversity, diversity. Can I get an Amen?"

Crowd yells "Amen" and jumps up and down with glee.

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Continued B.S., "We must take a look at the so-called war on drugs. Marijuana and Heroine are two different things, like Hillary Clinton from day to day. Feel the Bern!"

Woman in crowd, "We love you for some odd reason!"


More B.S., "By the end of this century, the world will be under water. That's hard science, folks. Climate change, benefits, and rising sea levels! If the Republicans get their way, we may have to run the world from submarines."

Crowd, "Boooooo."

B.S. continues, "They ask me how I'll pay for my plan, but if we don't enact my plan, then we'll really pay for it, later. I think big, way outside the box, which is why I get criticized by the establishment so much. That makes me so angry (being an outsider and all). But that's okay, because as president, I'll use my power of flight to rectify all social inequality, and my x-ray vision to peer into the establishment's secret meetings. Clean drinking water! Paid vacations! Maternity leave! Are you people with me!"

Man in crowd, "I'm whipped up into a frenzy!"

Second man, "I can't seem to stop clapping. But I like it!"

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B.S. resumes, "To conclude, we need to add 17 million more people to Obamacare. If you're working at Burger King and making seven dollars and twenty-five cents an hour, I'm the candidate for you. We'll win this election because we're working together, collectively depositing all our figurative worth into one vast treasury of talent. The moon! The stars! The future! Progress! Guaranteed benefits! No more tears! Utopia! A brave new world where the 1% get dunked at the circus, and have pies thrown in their faces. (That's another place where the money's to come from, folks.) Thank you, America!"

Roars of approbation and applause carom 'cross the crowd, along with chants of "Bernie, Bernie, Bernie". One girl says, "He looks like a Muppet, but he could change the world!" Another declares, "I think I'm going to faint."

We at Veritas News aren't sure exactly what all the fuss is about, but one thing we've observed over the years is that logic and politics don't always mix. Sort of like presidential promises and post-election results. Oh well, more than likely Mr. Berns will be the candidate to change all that, don't you think? Yes, this time things will be different. This concludes our coverage. Good night, and God help the United States of America.