"My name is Ricardo Swift, and I am the most interesting man in the world. Now, I'm not bragging when I say this, mind you. And I think you'll agree with me, once I fill you in on some of the details of my most extraordinary life."
"I was born in Montenegro, in a small village on the Adriatic Sea. There, I cut my teeth fishing by day, and aiding the resistance, by night. At that time, Montenegro was part of communist Yugoslavia. Oh, how we hated the commies! I remember, I would always find ways to embarrass the commandants in front of their girlfriends. Once, I stole some truth serum from the storehouse, and casually dropped it in the General's vodka. (This was the same man who made us all miserable by making us march after midnight in the middle of a monsoon.) Oh, did I mention I also added a laxative to his drink? Ha! He was hopping back and forth between the bar and the bathroom, like a Mexican jumping bean; helplessly yelping detailed confessions about the "exact nature" of his dilemma. All the people were in tears. Needless to say, the next day, he was shipped out for Siberia. Not a bad start to the story, eh?"
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"After Montenegro, I packed my bags and sailed to the Italian Riviera, where I worked for a time on the "Christina O", which belonged to Aristotle Onassis. One night, while Mr. Onassis was hobnobbing with Henry Kissinger, I overheard him saying, "You know, Henry, I could really use a wife to spruce up the place. Know what I mean?" "I know exactly what you mean", replied Kissinger. "I much prefer female assassins to male assassins." "No, Henry", replied Onassis, "I don't want her to kill anyone. I just want her to host cocktail parties." "Oh, well then, I'm afraid I'm out of my element", muttered Kissinger."
"After Montenegro, I packed my bags and sailed to the Italian Riviera, where I worked for a time on the "Christina O", which belonged to Aristotle Onassis. One night, while Mr. Onassis was hobnobbing with Henry Kissinger, I overheard him saying, "You know, Henry, I could really use a wife to spruce up the place. Know what I mean?" "I know exactly what you mean", replied Kissinger. "I much prefer female assassins to male assassins." "No, Henry", replied Onassis, "I don't want her to kill anyone. I just want her to host cocktail parties." "Oh, well then, I'm afraid I'm out of my element", muttered Kissinger."
"At this, I spied my opportunity, and happening to be right there, I sat down like I owned the place, and I said, "You know, Aristotle, Jackie Kennedy is the girl for you. Want me to arrange a meeting? (Like I knew her, or anything!)."
"To this, Onassis replied, "Do it." But Kissinger objected, "That guy? He's just a waiter!" But AO (that's what I started calling him) just shrugged his shoulders and laughed. Then he gave me a first class cabin, and access to all the money I needed to woo Mrs. Kennedy. She was in Aspen at the time, skiing with the Beatles and Omar Sharif. I remember we all became fast friends, and one day sitting down with Paul McCartney, and helping him turn the nonsensical "Scrambled Eggs" into the classic, "Yesterday". Boy, was he grateful! So grateful, in fact, that John Lennon never got over it. You see, it was really I who broke up the Beatles! I'm the real "Sexy Sadie", not the Maharishi. The photo below was taken in India, when the Beatles were in T.M. training. But since I had already reached Nirvana, I got to go drink cervezas with my pet monkey, Koko Ono."
“Sometimes I can be so interesting, it can be flat out dangerous."
"Around this time, I was just starting to discover my talent for enthralling. After I connected AO and JK, and served as the best man at their wedding, I took the huge fortune I was given, and went to Monte Carlo to try my luck. But I found my charisma, combined with the new beard I had just grown, to be so captivating to women, that oft-times they would just stand there and forget to breath. I began to be followed by a coterie of drooling models, who hung on my every word. Some of them told me I should go to Laurel Canyon, and become a rock star; but I elected to wander deep into Africa, and paint rhinos with watercolors, instead. I named the rhino in this portrait, "Savannah".
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"Whilst in the heart of Africa, I was named King of the Abravuras. There, they worked day and night to learn English, just so they could understand my double entendres. I don't always speak in entendres, but when I do, it's always with a cold Dos... Oh, snap; I almost found myself becoming predictable! Okay, Ricardo, pull yourself together, man. Phew. Alright, I'm back in interesting mode, again ..."
"So yes, I moonlight as the spokesman for Dos Equis. But in reality, I spend most of my time with the jet-set crowd, relating stories from my life as a 50th generation wizard/king/elite-matchmaker."
"Much has changed since my humble beginnings in Montenegro. Sometimes I go back to my sleepy sea village, and hop in the old Swift-boat to go catch some fish. These days, the fish just jump right in from out of the water, looking at me with their wide fishy eyes, like, "wow, isn't that the most interesting man in the world?!" This, my friends, is the greatest feeling of all. Models may fall at your feet, yuppies may stammer in your presence, presidents may drink your ostensibly Mexican beverage, but when... Oh, excuse me, I have to take this call.... Yes, your majesty. Wait, you put the crown jewels where? Wow. Okay, I'll be right over. (Hangs up.) Ho ho ho. You'll never guess where Lizzy put the treasure. Guess I'll have to go charm them out. Bet you'd like to know what the queen did with them, eh? Well, I'll never tell. That's just part of being the most interesting man in the world. Well, ciao, amis. Time to hop the pond."
"Around this time, I was just starting to discover my talent for enthralling. After I connected AO and JK, and served as the best man at their wedding, I took the huge fortune I was given, and went to Monte Carlo to try my luck. But I found my charisma, combined with the new beard I had just grown, to be so captivating to women, that oft-times they would just stand there and forget to breath. I began to be followed by a coterie of drooling models, who hung on my every word. Some of them told me I should go to Laurel Canyon, and become a rock star; but I elected to wander deep into Africa, and paint rhinos with watercolors, instead. I named the rhino in this portrait, "Savannah".
"Whilst in the heart of Africa, I was named King of the Abravuras. There, they worked day and night to learn English, just so they could understand my double entendres. I don't always speak in entendres, but when I do, it's always with a cold Dos... Oh, snap; I almost found myself becoming predictable! Okay, Ricardo, pull yourself together, man. Phew. Alright, I'm back in interesting mode, again ..."
"Now, deep in the heart of the jungle, during the annual Lawalawalan rain festival, I discovered a mysterious herb that tasted great when mixed with beer. I then left my beloved subjects, who mourned ritually for three months. Still, to this day, they recall the joke I taught them, about the
German farmer who got milk from the wrong end of a cow. I miss those crazy bas... Woh! I almost used a cliche. Ha. Good catch, Ricardo."
"I'm not going to bore you with the story of how I invented Dos Equis, and then pretended to be an actor. Nope. Instead, meditate on the fact that I have the same last name as Taylor Swift. That's right, she's my baby girl. Which is why she can write any darn song she wants, even if it's terrible, and it will still sell. We Swift's, as it turns out, are directly descended from Merlin. Here is a family portrait of Pappy Swift-Merlin."
"So yes, I moonlight as the spokesman for Dos Equis. But in reality, I spend most of my time with the jet-set crowd, relating stories from my life as a 50th generation wizard/king/elite-matchmaker."
"Much has changed since my humble beginnings in Montenegro. Sometimes I go back to my sleepy sea village, and hop in the old Swift-boat to go catch some fish. These days, the fish just jump right in from out of the water, looking at me with their wide fishy eyes, like, "wow, isn't that the most interesting man in the world?!" This, my friends, is the greatest feeling of all. Models may fall at your feet, yuppies may stammer in your presence, presidents may drink your ostensibly Mexican beverage, but when... Oh, excuse me, I have to take this call.... Yes, your majesty. Wait, you put the crown jewels where? Wow. Okay, I'll be right over. (Hangs up.) Ho ho ho. You'll never guess where Lizzy put the treasure. Guess I'll have to go charm them out. Bet you'd like to know what the queen did with them, eh? Well, I'll never tell. That's just part of being the most interesting man in the world. Well, ciao, amis. Time to hop the pond."
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